Songlist of ladies names III (The Letter C)

This is where it begins to get interesting as there is potentially a huge array of choices here.

Candy – Cameo

As utterly misinterpreted by Mariah (whom coincidentally has never been on fire), this knockout original has all those good things including a semi-constipated Larry Blackmon confessing every type of berry his ladylove shares the aroma of.

Hilarious video guest starring the return of the red codpiece (by now presumably a little musky) & everyone partying between Larry’s legs

That Petrol Emotion’s (featuring members of Magazine) Candy Loves Satelite & Car’s Candy-O completes the potential 3-piece suite/sweet – see what i did there?

Oh Carolina– Shaggy (Trad. Arr.)

Could only ever be the ‘rasclart boobaclart’ version (believe me you wouldn’t wanna know what it translates as in English). Still somehow lovable & infectious as Dutch Elm disease to those on the UK mainland

Could he be the world’s most successful Jamacian/Japanese crossover artist?

Cindy C – Prince

As in Crawford; from his notoriously-withdrawn Black Album that was eventually released 5 years after the initial pressing in 1993. Like there’s more than one “actress/model oooh from Paris, France” This is playfully funky & much looser than his usual party fare which makes you wonder why he felt it such a negative influence when less than half is minimalist rap. The recording of this album was rumoured to be the only occasion Prince indulged in chemical drugs by taking E according to Per Nilsen’s bio!

As for the music, he usually composes in far more difficult keys…

Corinna – Taj Mahal

Tender and bittersweet, could’ve chosen Clara (St Kitts Woman) about his dear old Grandma instead

Countess Bathory – Venom

Haha! This is completely OTT & gains entry purely for the folklore attached to this historic witch-like figure based on the spurious allegation that she bathed in her victim’s blood in an effort to stay forever youthful…and to achieve that Pantene shine. 

Other options were;

Does Caroline Know? – Talk Talk

Sweet Caroline – Neil Diamond

Don’t even think about it buddy

Carolyn’s Fingers/Cicely – Cocteau Twins

Cecilia – Paul Simon (& Garfunkel)

As utterly misinterpreted by Suggs of Madness (whom coincidentally has never got up to wash his face whilst being replaced in bed)

Cecelia Ann – Pixies

Charlottethe Harlot – Iron Maiden

Chloe – Ry Cooder

Cleopatra – Cleopatra

More a group manifesto of solidarity than the ancient Egyptian pharaoh but still…


Songlists of Ladies Names (The Return of Bee)

This week, 5 of the best from ‘B’ plus a free download of a lesser known Perfect Circle track from their storming debut ‘Mer de Noms

Bambi – Prince

Killer licks from second album where as he rides a winged horse billy-bollocks nekkid (both him & the creature) on the out of focus back cover, this shower of lesbian-sceptic hard rock lickage comes as slightly unexpected. His next album Dirty Mind would feature a young Lisa Coleman who went on to form a relationship with Wendy Melvoin in The Revolution so “Oi Prince – deal with it!”

Who woulda knew he’d turn out so strange?

This guy removes any live youtube output mighty fast but this one slipped through the net so enjoy it while it lasts. Solo heaven @2.22

Bee Sugarcubes

Like most of their back catalogue this is utterly mental in their prime before Bjork went solo. Possibly written for the bride in Kill Bill?

Bernadette – Four Tops

Holland-Dozier-Holland penned Motown soul classic from ’67 back by the Funk Brothers about possessive jealousy and burning desire over his ladyfriend.

Bertha Butt Boogie – Jimmy Castor Bunch

You’ve danced the boogie, now read the comic

For your information Bertha had three sisters – Betty Butt, Bella Butt & Bashiiiba Butt”

Black Betty – Ram Jam

Portfolio pics; just look at his range!

Riff-mania! Vid rocks too – just them going all guns blazing in full leather on some lucky bleeder’s front garden. Reeeally tough to choose between these two Bettys but in the end Black Betty just narrowly pipped Blue Oyster Cult’s Betty Lou’s gotta new pair of shoes.

Brenda – A Perfect Circle

Still glorious, richly textured alt rock with twisted, majestic vocals courtesy of Maynard James Keenan

What else to be bathed in Brenda?” Not that I’m encouraging illegal downloading but click the above and see where it leads yaMemphis Slim the blues pianist also has a fine song named Brenda but this just pipped it for me.

Other options would’ve included John Martyn’s Beverley; an instrumental quite probably named after his ex-wife. I’m loathed to even mention Ray Steven’s Bridget the Midget possibly not about Sly Stallone’s ex-wife Bridget Nielson.

Until next time…for Lady C’s

Songlists of Lovely Ladies Names

In the gutless womaniser Rod Stewart’s words “Wake up Maggie, I think I’ve gotta new blog thread for you”. After enjoying various charming ditties alluding to the fairer gender form I stumbled across an idea of a topic that I then discovered had already been played out across multiple nefarious blogsite forums. Nevertheless it carries timeless appeal and so 3 or 5 of every animal, sorry letter in the lovely lady alphabet will be chosen at weekly intervals. The same name may not be used twice which means wallowing through a mire of Barbaras, Bettys, Marys, Mary Janes (sweet or otherwise), Plain Janes, Mollys, Sallys and, disturbingly enough, Fannys? (Prior to its British adoption as a rude lady’s part). Thus I had to grapple between several fine numbers each dedicated to these namesakes over many laborious hours in my melon man.

Wherever possible I have only included songs I enjoy & would actually listen to in my non-list obsessive-alphabetised day-to-day life. A few names are repeated i.e. so good they named them twice such as Mary Mary or Maria Maria & certain letters would be impossible to have ANY inclusions unless I became a little forgiving with the looseness of the letters Q, U, X & Z.

I would also like to thank albums with named themes such as A Perfect Circle’s Mer de Noms & Cocteau Twin’s Treasure – both of which happen to be ethereal & magisterial masterpieces

Back cover to Cocteau’s ’84 immersible classic



Blues for Alice – Charlie Parker

Rapid bluesy bebop-style almost definitely NOT written for Alice Coltrane, John’s wife

Amelia – Cocteau Twins

They also have a song called Aloysius from the same album but this would be an extremely rare name that is more commonly fictitious such as  that of Lady Penelope’s chauffeur in Thunderbirds)

Angela – Toto

The last track from their stonking debut written by the most enduring member, the portly, tiny & shiny Steve Lukather

Angeline – Faithless

You’ve been out on the tiles, winning the smiles of men of low persuasion…

Angie – Rolling Stones

Written by Keith Richards about one or any number of the following; his daughter Dandelion Angela, Bowie’s first wife, Angie Dickinson or going cold turkey in Switzerland where there ain’t much heroin around but there IS endlessly massive piles of snow! Mostly covered horrendously badly other than by Womack & Womack or Tori Amos. Angela Merkel also used the song in her party’s election campaign in 2005!

Here is the cover of the German release;

The most worrying aspect of this song’s cover is that we can’t be entirely sure that isn’t Mick Jagger’s body

Other options would’ve been Allison by either Elvis Costello or The Pixies or Elton John’s Amy.

See all o yo squareheads next week for the ‘B’ installment!

HOLLYOAKS – HOW long has this been goin’ on???

New research suggests despite the escalating costs Phil Redmond may have perfected a formula first aired in 1986 that keeps students stupider for longer!

Whilst waiting patiently for the credits of a certain long-running soap to roll before strapping on some solid daily newsfeltch last night I heard the voiceover “If you or your family are affected by issues similar to those in Hollyoaks then please call…”

Presumably they mean those OTHER than excessive make-up and GCSE-light apathetic prose in a post-Logan’s Run cattle market biosphere of Perspex bars & gyms. I think if I became trapped in a vaguely localised suburb of Chester that feels too anonymous to even be fictitious where the only careers seem to consist of seedy magician with porno tashe (see pic below), hairdresser assistant’s assistant and gym instructor for mentally damaged drama students named after brand model cars and with only locals who can’t decide who to sleep with in what order for company then I’d quickly become every composite character in one as a alcoholic murdering pimp entering a loveless marriage myself. These appeared to be the ‘serious issues’ around which the majority of narrative strands revolve.

“Would you trust this man to guard your sewer? Which, ironically is where your TV programmes also come from”

Don’t get me wrong, its not that those life choices aren’t serious. It’s just that they’re delivered with such an absolute lack of weighty forethought and conviction as to seem almost like a satirical soap with less sharpened sub-par dialogue waiting to walk in on itself in bed with a superior script – “Oh Emmerdale, how could you!?”.

Hollyoaks is systematically designed to make Channel 4 News (which follows immediately after) feel like the freeverse of Plato even when Jon Snow fumbles his lines or some kind of cascading fountain of knowledge droplets in a picturesque market village square (presumably not Chester) that was only minutes earlier under the bombardment of scattershot manure from a backfiring silo-spreader.

No amount of horrendous acting following some equally appalling GCSE results will allow you to go here

According to the Independent’s John Walsh (09/02/2008);

The new soap’s young cast (late teens, early twentysomethings) do little actual studying, but hurl themselves with abandon into a maelstrom of emotional entanglements. When it comes to addressing taboo subjects and social “issues”, Hollyoaks outstrips even its grim predecessors in the Redmond CV. Young persons home from school, watching TV at 6.30 in the interval between The Simpsons and homework, can absorb storylines about drug abuse, cot death, child abuse, anorexia, gambling addiction, CO2 poisoning, surrogacy, self-harming, racism, homophobia and – most notoriously – male rape. The programme often closes by giving viewers a telephone helpline number to call if they’ve been affected”.

Crumbs! Sounds like I got off lightly.

TRAMLINES 2012: Urban & Free? This don’t make no tents!

Kid Acne knows where his laundry’s done!

In T-minus 2 weekends from now I will attempt to cover Sheffield’s Tramlines Free For All Multimedia Citywide Circus (mostly locally sourced live music) whereby over 800 bands/acts/group events/performances/pissed up mental tosswizards will attempt to entertain us using the almighty power of interpretive sonic frequencies & vibration.

This will be attempted in a similar vein to Hunter S. Thompson a la The Gumball 3000 Desert Rally as per his initial assignment in Fear & Loathing. The most apparent differences will of course be that I don’t smoke (from any distance away from my face), I have hair (turf on the court if you will) & although I’ll most likely be wearing a deafening Acapulco shirt & Aussie beer shorts combo I only have a toothbrush & some old chipforks in my battered leather jacket instead of mind bending psychotropic pharmaceuticals. That’s not to say these can’t be hunted down upon arrival but too many deserving bands/acts would surely have to be missed or overlooked or denied these themselves which may hinder their performance in ways unfathomable. Not to mention the fact that the dizzying array of venues and environs would render any hallucinogenics foolish and misplaced. Such is the delirious bemusement one already feels amidst all the indecisiveness of one’s most thriving habitat. There are many outdoor stages including those in parks, car parks, public gardens, a city farm at Heeley and even a ‘Rude Shipyard’ presumably with a serious case of sailor tongue or docker’s mouth.

How could I possibly know all this dear readers? For those radicalised Cosmic Funky Nuts boyos are ripping up the script with their bare groovy licks of course. Broomhill’s Nottingham ‘Notty’ House Pub, Saturday from 6pm.

In this reporter’s humble opinion, Sheffield thankfully pisses highly upwind and from an almighty height on most other major cities. It has always accommodated a buzzing art and music scene stepping proudly out of the long-drawn shadows of bland, synthetic synth-fiddling electro-pop colder than Mystic Meg’s nipple wax. I remember once trying to rework the Human League’s megahit into a more honest reflection of Yorkshire with the working title ‘Don’t You Want Me Gravy?’ All together now – “I was working as a waitress in a Carvery pub where I meat chewed…”

Extensive line-up can be ogled here:

Not sure why 65 Days of Static are headlining Nando’s New Music Stage though, they’ve been going for over 10 years. Guess it takes people who eat mechanically manufactured chicken a while longer than a nando-second to catch on…

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Love Unlimited Orchestra’s Love’s Theme: A Brief Appraisal

Q? Has Barry White ever saved your life?

A. No, he never got me back with my ex-wife neither BUT with soul food this nourishing it does feel like he’s saved me countless times from musical starvation.

From that opening swirly ascending string line to its faultless fade-out you beg will never come, the richly textured yet silky lush instrumentation paints the canvas equivalent of cradling womb lining. Those syncopated rhythmic wah-wah guitar sweeps almost sound like bush crickets rubbing their legs together with sensuous glee. Maybe it’s because they have ears on their knees and therefore exquisite taste in sweet melodies. Or maybe I’m just hearing things…sexy things.

How can 4 minutes encapsulate so much sensory delight? Even the 7" cover font & colour looks suggestible

Essentially one of the only instrumental not to mention purely orchestral singles to ever top the US billboard, many versions or samples have since been covered & re-recorded adding vocals; most notably the orchestra themselves a year later, but with musical moments this pleasurably languorous nothing needs to be said. It is now considered an influence on the quintessential disco sound (but don’t hold that against it) which began stagnating commercial airplay the following year.

Just to recite the 40 piece Orchestra’s list of charting singles – Love’s Theme (reached no.1 stateside for a week in ’73 but only #10 on our shores), Rhapsody in White, Satin Soul, Forever in Love, Midnight Groove & not forgetting the ‘coughs dubiously’ Theme from King Kong (pt.1). Essentially in all those titles there’s only one thing on that composer’s mind, which just so happened to be one Mr. Barry White Esq. and THAT my friends is the same one thing that King Kong always wanted – the timeless privilege that is gittin it own’!

"Ahur-hur ok ya got me, this ain't really my orchestra but it IS a selection of my finest sexy ladies...arranged like a heart-shaped chocolate box of love...oooh baby"

Most worthy live version I could find:

The Short, Short History of Detroit’s Musical Legacy in under 500 words

At the forefront of the scandal rock & roll caused in the early 50s and as the birthplace of Motown playing a radical role in the racial integration of pop music with ‘crossover appeal’, Detroit was always a hotbed of political and social tensions. Riots in Detroit during July 1967 lasted 5 days with 43 casualties; Dancing in the Street was written to quench these riots instead of fighting. Motown’s sound altered after this time to become more socially conscious culminating in Marvin Gaye’s What’s Going On which Berry Gordy tried to bury. The Motown label left for LA in the late 60s as Gordy planned a film career with Diana Ross, a transition it completed in ‘72.

The MC5 & their manager/guru Jon Sinclair lived inside the riot zone whilst Detroit Police acted increasingly oppressive & Gestapo-like as civil disobedience sparked by the treatment of black communities & inner city living conditions worsened. As a result The White Panther Party was formed by the young white rebel movement including MC5 with a 3 point program: Rock & Roll, Dope & Fucking in the Streets! (Perhaps an alternate take on the Martha Reeves/Vandellas hit)

Kick out the Jams, the MC5’s debut live album later banned by their label Elektra over use of the word ‘motherfu*ker’, was quite simply the acid-drenched sonic embodiment of revolutionary uprising. Jon Sinclair was arrested for offering an undercover policewoman disguised as a hippy chick 2 joints. The Police were determined to make his charges stick since this rebel movement would effectively lose its figurehead as well as casting the MC5’s career ascendency from local recognition at Le Grand Ballroom to further national exposure into doubt. However 2 years into Sinclair’s life sentence John Lennon & Yoko caught wind of his plight & sang a plea to have him released which became the case 3 days later.

The Ann Arbor suburb of Detroit served as a major US military & religious base. A lot of early Stooges gigs were performed in a Presbyterian church within this same area that the MC5 had originated some years earlier.

Detroit by the mid 70s had become a ghost town with a decimated industry & declining population due to white flight syndrome down from 2 million to under half that where it still languishes at just over 500,000 today. With an 80% black urban population & a third of its inhabitants living below the poverty line some see modern day Detroit as one giant African American ghetto.

Vincent Furnier aka Alice Cooper was also born in Detroit, the son of a lay preacher who was active in his church until his teens. Although initially the name of his band, Alice (Vincent) honed his shock rock stage routine to be more calculated & prop driven than that of Iggy Pop (James Osterberg) although both used these alternative personas to great effect in establishing a dedicated live cult following.

From the earliest southern settlers like bluesman John Lee Hooker to present day White Stripes & Eminem, Detroit musicians have continued the city’s tradition of reinterpreting and blending black & white influences & audiences along 8 mile in an ongoing legacy of a long & rich rock & roll history.

*Editor’s footnote. Large sections of this article were lifted wholesale from a BBC4 documentary to be expanded upon at a later date. However the editor fully acknowledges that this piece also entirely overlooks other significant subcultures & genres which the city helped spawn & colonise such as early R&B, lo-fi garage blues, hardcore/ska punk & techno.