I know since all the playlist madness I’ve been awful quiet on the blogger-sphere front but that’s because after nigh on 6 months unemployment I was finally offered a job of all things! I started this week at a wholesale nurseries pruning and maintaining a wide variety of ornamental and hardy tree varieties such as Birches, Hornbeams, Maples, Small-leaved limes, Chestnuts, Plums and Crab-apples to name but a few of their common names.
As an arboriculture practitioner I am armed with secateurs and string at all times in my trouser pocket (so i can tell the boss “Sorry but I’m a little tied up right now” etc.). Without wishing to sound too suggestive it has become like an extra appendage or limb which I am training myself to ‘ahem’ whip out and sharpen at ever faster speeds as a sort of fifth finger & second thumb. With the secateurs as my weapon of choice after only 5 days I almost feel naked (underneath my clothes as Shakira sang of course) without them. The drawback is that in winter conditions with constant physical labour, my scratched and brittle hands now do look worse than Les Dennis’ CV and require just as much padding.
Now just to learn several hundred subspecies and genus of immature saplings before spring prematurely rolls around…
Try to write soon my lovelies
Thinking of setting up my own gardening business (see post title i mean really do i have to spell it out for you folks? Ed. – Erm well yes actually Phil that’s the idea with blogging). Need a pun-derful company slogan that is original & witty without scaring off my primary custom…Hmmm this could be a looooong night. Brainwaves thus far:
Everyday cringe-inducing slogans seen aside those white ‘zippy rascal’ vans
Attractive birds are rarer nowadays but Phil the Gardener’s at the beak of his career!
Don’t leaf litter lying about – allow your garden to sprout!
Don’t get sluggish – enhance wildlife without any rubbish
Titchmarsh’s seeds are infertile compared to these…(liable for potential legal action)
What grows around has sprung abound (lamest pun by far & no musical attachment)
Rock & Roll lyrical puns (my possible Unique Selling Point)
All weeds are splaying so why not Give Trees A Chance? Bedding hard to dislodge
Hey Spade! Take a (garden) walk on the wild side – (Lou) Reed clearance as standard
If there’s a bushel in your hedgerow, don’t be alarmed now (Led Zep reference – Rockery fans welcome)
Get Yer Rocks On…& take off your plants (continuing on the landscaping theme)
Have you fought the lawn & the lawn won? My prices don’t CLASH!
Do you want your garden to be as green as your envious neighbour’s prying faces? (Perhaps a little too overly descriptive as a simile – poetically alienating. Could be possibly mistaken for some type of ‘Mood Goblin’ service)
And for the more urban ‘streetwise’ clientele at the exclusion of the elderly
Dr. Greenthumb* – weedkiller puffin up on dat sensemilia
Mow down some suckers wit ma ride-on motor
BUSHES & HOES: eco-gardening’s got the styles dat grows
*a variant of the widely used (Green)fingers title taking cues from Cypress Hill. Alas when it comes to living plants using them as your inspiration model namesake is probably not the best thought-out idea
Any other ideas/sense of target market (p)references wholly appreciated as always…