The 12 Killer Khristmas Rifftastic Rockin’ Hells Bell-botherers!

Guns & Roses made some bizarre excuses not to play gigs at their peak, one of which was “there’s too much snow on the roof” which may have been a subtle metaphor for cocaine excess. Regardless of whether any white stuff has fallen some bands have stepped in to rock buildings to their foundations in ensuring there’ll be none left upon high once they’re done. With such spirit in mind tis the season I present the heavier titans of our Yuletide calendar as promised last week.

Numerous attempts have been made by the hard rock/metal community to accommodate more extreme musical tastes into the holiest of holidays. If only Independent music journo Simon Price’s concept of a seasonal Slayer covers band were real with the new spelling Sleigher who performed ‘Reindeer in Blood’ in its entirety (including ‘Angel of Blessed’). Still we can but dream…just remember to treat the assembled cast with respect through ample volume whilst you really are rocking around that prickly tree & don’t fling your air guitar into the roaring fire too soon then regret it.

Like Santa & a kinky Snow White fused then "dipped into a vat of acid"

Bob Segar – Sock It To Me, Santa!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3tJXb3mGT4&feature=related

Here’s our Bob with a funky bad Santa who’s gotta brand new bag. He also shares the same birthday as me so take that Jesus! As retroplanet117 states it’s ‘another Xmas song that hardly sucks at all’!

The Kinks – Father Christmas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xEopHCtEUo

Impressively black humoured considering its relative notoriety “give us yer money, we’ve got no time for your silly toys

Reverend Horton Heat – Run Rudolph Run

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3Fa7u2Rau8&feature=related

The Rev’s irrepressibly Texan rockabilly take on the classic recorded live on New Year’s Day 2 years back. Despite his ‘Bad Reputation’ these guys are always worth seeing if you ever get the chance, cheap official t-shirts too…

The Damned – There ain’t no Sanity Clause

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hbtezeJ1cE

Interesting video this one lovingly compiled by a fan clearly fed up of having this erased from their Chrimbo party playlist (if they’re anything like me).

King Diamond – No Presents for Christmas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5a5fHMlb4V0

Overblown with all the expected metal trimmings & sprinkled generously with the Danish King’s (Kim Bendix to his friends who are probably vastly outweighed by his enemies) ridiculously piercing wail. Just wait until that outro which comes seasoned with a tremlo-led cover of Rudolph.

I’m dreaming of a White…Sabbath! Hahaha

Spinal Tap – Christmas with the Devil

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sixsHSheV4g

From the Arsenio Hall show (yes that guy who was Semmi/Extremely Ugly Girl from Coming to America who became hot property for a while). Sorry for v. poor quality pic, crank this one up to 11…

AC/DC – Mistress for Christmas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5aEEhN7_ZTw

Everything you’d expect from the School boys down under. Treating Xmas with the scandal & mischief it deserves “Get a date with the woman in red, wanna be in heaven with 3 in a bed…”

Venom – Black Christmas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlBXd6FE2ic&feature=related

Youtube abuser meatblob937 explains it better than I ever could “Cronos might as well be the jolly St. Nick of every metalheads’ bloody x-mass livin with recession! Exclamations are cool!!!” Just don’t try & understand the last 25 seconds ROLF!

Tortured Conscience – Little Drummer Boy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FsvdMvJG0Vs

From the Brutal Christmas compilation, this sure throws new light on Bing Crosby & David Bowie from down the road’s renowned unusual pairing. Apparently there have been over 220 versions of this song in 7 different languages…this must be the 8th.

Dokken – Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtlACq9He1o&feature=related

Interspersed with Silent Night Deadly Night 1 & Nightmare on Elm Street Part 3 (The Dream Warriors) with perfectly synched guitar solo from the latter. As those incorrigible Manc Scallies The Blackout Crew once said: Put a Dokken on it!

Reuben – Christmas is Awesome

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wH2umxtA_sc

Comedy meets crunchy powerchord perfection from the Aldershot trio currently on hiatus. Perfectly summarising the challenging yet rewarding nature of the day’s routine; “If I eat a sprout you gotta eat a sprout yeah you gotta suffer too

Twisted Sister – Heavy Metal Christmas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grwP8QvI1jY

From their ‘Xmas Metal’ genre-defining Twisted Christmas album & with a spoken Dee Snider intro in suitably subtle style. “On my heavy metal Christmas my true love gave to me a tattoo of Ozzy!”

I don’t wanna think about how many times the word Christmas has appeared in this post. Pass the brandy butter would you ma? I gotta burn that baby back into the bottle. Happy hollandaise kiddies!

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The Twelve (12) Bestest Alternative Comedy Songs/Film Clips of Christmas

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good record collection must only want the finest seasonal soundtrack to enrapture his family with holiday cheer. And so without wanting to resort to typically overplayed novel hogwash like Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer (popular in the states apparently), the season definitely IS a time for laughter at the absurdity of it all…

Paul Simon, Steve Martin & Billy Noel (alright Joel) – Silver Bells (Eggnog monologue)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXN72rbXAr0

Talk about eggnog eggcess! There are numerous references to Eggnog based spirits among Steve’s classically dry throwaway lines about incest, suicide and the futile nature of it all. How Paul & Bill manage to keep the harmonies going without creasing is waaay beyond me.

Mitch Benn – Christmas Songs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmBNrn43pJY&NR=1&feature=endscreen

An excellent rumination on all the same tired dumpster of snowy balls dusted down every year…

Rammstein – Du Hast (seen only in the following context)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KyMJxMmm5aU&feature=related

If Clark Griswold only had a electrical engineering qualification in Teutonic Industrial LED-based Power! This must truly piss off any local neighbours, epileptics & airport runways for miles around. For other hilariously rhythmic Xmas lighting displays see Metallica’s Master of Puppets Intro, Heavy Metal Christmas Light Show (Trans-Siberian Orchestra – Wizards In Winter) or I Put a Spell On You complete with singing skull (although this is more Halloween)!

Ned Gerblansky & Jimbo – O Little Town of Bethlehem

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Io8sB9sE9Dw

C’mon Ned, you’re flat” The timeless flip/b-side to Chef’s equally festive Chocolate Salty Balls. He does pick up a semi-tone for that last verse thou – now that’s spirit…

Half Man Half Biscuit – It’s clichéd to be cynical at Christmas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRDJgn68h1A

Best opening line: “Now how did I guess you were going to express your disdain at the tree with the bright fairy lights and you’d moan about the snow cause your car wouldn’t go…

Bob Rivers – Walkin’ Round in Women’s Underwear/The 12 Pains of Xmas/The Restroom door said Gentlemen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTVBYNHT-p4&feature=related

At last the perfect excuse for a little stocking-related seasonal crossdressing eh?

Frank Sidebottom (RIP) – Christmas is Really Fantastic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HM8qQ2LUeq8

Extensively featuring Frank’s mad keyboard skills! Chrimbo has never been a time for talent to outweigh feeling and here Frank’s head is visibly overcome with emotion.

Full Metal Jacket Christmas Elves Sketch

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCp4R7pqanc&feature=fvwrel

Lemme see your warface!” Sadly this is probably a surprisingly accurate depiction of how it must feel to work in a Chinese toy making factory around this time of year.

Killing Floor Twisted Christmas Event Trailer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oVqwrhbu70

Not quite sure why this makes the list but alas it did make me reminisce about how I felt last Christmas trapped in Leamington Spa with an unusable crapper & frozen pipes (the houses’ not mine although now I mention it…let’s end this here).

Don’t Open Til Christmas – Santa Claustration

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zv8DxE-jGew

No list of Chrimbo comedy songs & sketches is complete without a little SGM (thanks to Rich Dundas of Kneel Before Zod for acquainting me with this).

Elves film trailer (1990)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLo795JFfpg

The second corruption of ordinarily innocent elves which only goes to show worker’s strikes (&/or mating with virgins to spawn the master-race) are at least as old as our belief system i.e. not very. I just could not leave this out – there’s also a hilarious explanation for the elves actions with links to Nazi research from a John Waters lookalike. Cult Cinema Club Kneel Before Zod are showing this on Sunday 11/12/11 4pm at NottingHack, Carlton Road, Nottingham.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBRV7wGt3jU

This Cinemassacre review comes as close as anyone can to interpreting the most dumbfounding & kitsch Xmas movie ever made where it’s not just the toys acting wooden. Would Santa really react this way? Martian: “You will never return to Earth. Now you belong to Mars.”

Santa: “Ho, ho, ho…”

Bloody mental.

Other recommendations include…

Tim Minchin – White Wine in the Sun

An Aussie atheist take on a family Xmas which steers just the right side of being sentimental thanks to the origins of Jesus jokes

Paddy Roberts – Merry Xmas You Suckers!

A cynical sarcastic take on Xmas’ excesses – maybe I could’ve worded that better

Weird Al Yankovic – The Night Santa Went Craaazy

Hear the gory version for a more detailed last verse. Enjoyable but could always be darker than its delivery

Lou Monte – Dominic the Italian Xmas Donkey

Having heard this it must be a purely cornfed & quite lame donkey, I mean who thinks up these things honestly?

Coming soon: The Ten to Twelve (10-12) Holy Metal Killer Christmas Crackers!

Don’t let the rocking jingly bells end! Starring in no particular hors d’oeuvre Twisted Sister, Venom, AC/DC, King Diamond, The Damned & eeerm Bob Segar (who shares my birthday – in your heavenly face Jesus!) 

And for the not so comedy alt. (should be) classics: TBC