The 12 Killer Khristmas Rifftastic Rockin’ Hells Bell-botherers!

Guns & Roses made some bizarre excuses not to play gigs at their peak, one of which was “there’s too much snow on the roof” which may have been a subtle metaphor for cocaine excess. Regardless of whether any white stuff has fallen some bands have stepped in to rock buildings to their foundations in ensuring there’ll be none left upon high once they’re done. With such spirit in mind tis the season I present the heavier titans of our Yuletide calendar as promised last week.

Numerous attempts have been made by the hard rock/metal community to accommodate more extreme musical tastes into the holiest of holidays. If only Independent music journo Simon Price’s concept of a seasonal Slayer covers band were real with the new spelling Sleigher who performed ‘Reindeer in Blood’ in its entirety (including ‘Angel of Blessed’). Still we can but dream…just remember to treat the assembled cast with respect through ample volume whilst you really are rocking around that prickly tree & don’t fling your air guitar into the roaring fire too soon then regret it.

Like Santa & a kinky Snow White fused then "dipped into a vat of acid"

Bob Segar – Sock It To Me, Santa!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3tJXb3mGT4&feature=related

Here’s our Bob with a funky bad Santa who’s gotta brand new bag. He also shares the same birthday as me so take that Jesus! As retroplanet117 states it’s ‘another Xmas song that hardly sucks at all’!

The Kinks – Father Christmas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xEopHCtEUo

Impressively black humoured considering its relative notoriety “give us yer money, we’ve got no time for your silly toys

Reverend Horton Heat – Run Rudolph Run

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3Fa7u2Rau8&feature=related

The Rev’s irrepressibly Texan rockabilly take on the classic recorded live on New Year’s Day 2 years back. Despite his ‘Bad Reputation’ these guys are always worth seeing if you ever get the chance, cheap official t-shirts too…

The Damned – There ain’t no Sanity Clause

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hbtezeJ1cE

Interesting video this one lovingly compiled by a fan clearly fed up of having this erased from their Chrimbo party playlist (if they’re anything like me).

King Diamond – No Presents for Christmas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5a5fHMlb4V0

Overblown with all the expected metal trimmings & sprinkled generously with the Danish King’s (Kim Bendix to his friends who are probably vastly outweighed by his enemies) ridiculously piercing wail. Just wait until that outro which comes seasoned with a tremlo-led cover of Rudolph.

I’m dreaming of a White…Sabbath! Hahaha

Spinal Tap – Christmas with the Devil

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sixsHSheV4g

From the Arsenio Hall show (yes that guy who was Semmi/Extremely Ugly Girl from Coming to America who became hot property for a while). Sorry for v. poor quality pic, crank this one up to 11…

AC/DC – Mistress for Christmas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5aEEhN7_ZTw

Everything you’d expect from the School boys down under. Treating Xmas with the scandal & mischief it deserves “Get a date with the woman in red, wanna be in heaven with 3 in a bed…”

Venom – Black Christmas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlBXd6FE2ic&feature=related

Youtube abuser meatblob937 explains it better than I ever could “Cronos might as well be the jolly St. Nick of every metalheads’ bloody x-mass livin with recession! Exclamations are cool!!!” Just don’t try & understand the last 25 seconds ROLF!

Tortured Conscience – Little Drummer Boy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FsvdMvJG0Vs

From the Brutal Christmas compilation, this sure throws new light on Bing Crosby & David Bowie from down the road’s renowned unusual pairing. Apparently there have been over 220 versions of this song in 7 different languages…this must be the 8th.

Dokken – Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtlACq9He1o&feature=related

Interspersed with Silent Night Deadly Night 1 & Nightmare on Elm Street Part 3 (The Dream Warriors) with perfectly synched guitar solo from the latter. As those incorrigible Manc Scallies The Blackout Crew once said: Put a Dokken on it!

Reuben – Christmas is Awesome

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wH2umxtA_sc

Comedy meets crunchy powerchord perfection from the Aldershot trio currently on hiatus. Perfectly summarising the challenging yet rewarding nature of the day’s routine; “If I eat a sprout you gotta eat a sprout yeah you gotta suffer too

Twisted Sister – Heavy Metal Christmas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grwP8QvI1jY

From their ‘Xmas Metal’ genre-defining Twisted Christmas album & with a spoken Dee Snider intro in suitably subtle style. “On my heavy metal Christmas my true love gave to me a tattoo of Ozzy!”

I don’t wanna think about how many times the word Christmas has appeared in this post. Pass the brandy butter would you ma? I gotta burn that baby back into the bottle. Happy hollandaise kiddies!

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