The Twelve (12) Bestest Alternative Comedy Songs/Film Clips of Christmas

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good record collection must only want the finest seasonal soundtrack to enrapture his family with holiday cheer. And so without wanting to resort to typically overplayed novel hogwash like Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer (popular in the states apparently), the season definitely IS a time for laughter at the absurdity of it all…

Paul Simon, Steve Martin & Billy Noel (alright Joel) – Silver Bells (Eggnog monologue)

Talk about eggnog eggcess! There are numerous references to Eggnog based spirits among Steve’s classically dry throwaway lines about incest, suicide and the futile nature of it all. How Paul & Bill manage to keep the harmonies going without creasing is waaay beyond me.

Mitch Benn – Christmas Songs

An excellent rumination on all the same tired dumpster of snowy balls dusted down every year…

Rammstein – Du Hast (seen only in the following context)

If Clark Griswold only had a electrical engineering qualification in Teutonic Industrial LED-based Power! This must truly piss off any local neighbours, epileptics & airport runways for miles around. For other hilariously rhythmic Xmas lighting displays see Metallica’s Master of Puppets Intro, Heavy Metal Christmas Light Show (Trans-Siberian Orchestra – Wizards In Winter) or I Put a Spell On You complete with singing skull (although this is more Halloween)!

Ned Gerblansky & Jimbo – O Little Town of Bethlehem

C’mon Ned, you’re flat” The timeless flip/b-side to Chef’s equally festive Chocolate Salty Balls. He does pick up a semi-tone for that last verse thou – now that’s spirit…

Half Man Half Biscuit – It’s clichéd to be cynical at Christmas

Best opening line: “Now how did I guess you were going to express your disdain at the tree with the bright fairy lights and you’d moan about the snow cause your car wouldn’t go…

Bob Rivers – Walkin’ Round in Women’s Underwear/The 12 Pains of Xmas/The Restroom door said Gentlemen

At last the perfect excuse for a little stocking-related seasonal crossdressing eh?

Frank Sidebottom (RIP) – Christmas is Really Fantastic

Extensively featuring Frank’s mad keyboard skills! Chrimbo has never been a time for talent to outweigh feeling and here Frank’s head is visibly overcome with emotion.

Full Metal Jacket Christmas Elves Sketch

Lemme see your warface!” Sadly this is probably a surprisingly accurate depiction of how it must feel to work in a Chinese toy making factory around this time of year.

Killing Floor Twisted Christmas Event Trailer

Not quite sure why this makes the list but alas it did make me reminisce about how I felt last Christmas trapped in Leamington Spa with an unusable crapper & frozen pipes (the houses’ not mine although now I mention it…let’s end this here).

Don’t Open Til Christmas – Santa Claustration

No list of Chrimbo comedy songs & sketches is complete without a little SGM (thanks to Rich Dundas of Kneel Before Zod for acquainting me with this).

Elves film trailer (1990)

The second corruption of ordinarily innocent elves which only goes to show worker’s strikes (&/or mating with virgins to spawn the master-race) are at least as old as our belief system i.e. not very. I just could not leave this out – there’s also a hilarious explanation for the elves actions with links to Nazi research from a John Waters lookalike. Cult Cinema Club Kneel Before Zod are showing this on Sunday 11/12/11 4pm at NottingHack, Carlton Road, Nottingham.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

This Cinemassacre review comes as close as anyone can to interpreting the most dumbfounding & kitsch Xmas movie ever made where it’s not just the toys acting wooden. Would Santa really react this way? Martian: “You will never return to Earth. Now you belong to Mars.”

Santa: “Ho, ho, ho…”

Bloody mental.

Other recommendations include…

Tim Minchin – White Wine in the Sun

An Aussie atheist take on a family Xmas which steers just the right side of being sentimental thanks to the origins of Jesus jokes

Paddy Roberts – Merry Xmas You Suckers!

A cynical sarcastic take on Xmas’ excesses – maybe I could’ve worded that better

Weird Al Yankovic – The Night Santa Went Craaazy

Hear the gory version for a more detailed last verse. Enjoyable but could always be darker than its delivery

Lou Monte – Dominic the Italian Xmas Donkey

Having heard this it must be a purely cornfed & quite lame donkey, I mean who thinks up these things honestly?

Coming soon: The Ten to Twelve (10-12) Holy Metal Killer Christmas Crackers!

Don’t let the rocking jingly bells end! Starring in no particular hors d’oeuvre Twisted Sister, Venom, AC/DC, King Diamond, The Damned & eeerm Bob Segar (who shares my birthday – in your heavenly face Jesus!) 

And for the not so comedy alt. (should be) classics: TBC


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