The most incomprehensibly appalling pop lyrics derided & where possible decoded

Afternoon Everybooty (by which i mean myself and my sister-in-law who subscribe)

I plan on publishing (i.e. clicking on a blue button) a series of musical posts over the next few weeks to celebrate some funkybad and just darn fonkay-baaad garoooves – extra vowels mean more funk ya dig? This will hopefully conclude with some of my favourite & therefore (being that I am the sole moderator of this blog) automatically the Best Halloween Lyrics as a cunning counterbalance to this post’s theme – as you’ll see, these are unintentionally shocking.

Obviously people have always had different tastes in what is considered acceptable tunage and subsequently overlooked or just plain somehow tolerated some surefire absolutely chuff lyrics. This is something I often contemplate so a few of these ideas have been mercilessly plagarised from another site before I adapted and expanded upon their thread. 5 easily deducible categories to be made would include:

I Nonsensical lyrics of the sho-be-do type
II Lyrics that are full of cheap rhymes, repeats, cliches, hideous metaphors
III Lyrics totally wanting of meaning
IV Rap
V Any combination of the above.

I think this is too straightforward a view on what makes lyrics bad. Especially in pop music, the qualities mentioned above or the lack thereof can surely contribute towards a very adequate song. It’s not literature, remember. Cheap lyrics, repeats, clichés and hideous metaphors can even give a song that imperceptible, as French people would say in French: ‘i-don’t-know-what’ that makes it just right. Consider for example these lines by The Smiths, found in the web search previously mentioned.

Some girls are bigger than others, some girls are bigger than others, some girls’ mothers are bigger than other girls’ mothers (..)” (but that’s ok because it just so happens that some girls’ mothers brothers are bigger than other girls’ mothers brothers cous’s and that those girls’ mothers brothers lovers are under the covers gossiping about how they’re bigger than Danny Glover’s girls’ mother who’s discovered brothers afraid of rudders…wait up who was the girl again? Isn’t Dawn French’s mum dead?)

Some other contenders which have almost definitely been regaling in decadent free flowing stanza by the dusty Keats/Joyce shelves of their private studies…

I mix your milk wit my cocoa puff,
Milky, milky cocoa,
Mix your milk with my cocoa puff,
milky, milky riiiiiiight
.” – Black Eyed Peas ‘My Humps’ (Reports in the Kellogg’s Enquirer state that Fergie suggestively says ‘I’d rather have a bowl of milky lumps probably or something only y’know…sexier’ with no mention of the inevitable brown water leftovers. She’s also awarded bonus points for contradictory line: “So I keep on taking, and no I ain’t taking.”

I’m a big big girl
In a big big world
It’s not a big big thing if u leave me
But I do do feel
That I do do will
Miss u much
Miss u much
” – Emilia ‘Big Big Girl’

(Now children I want you all to underline the abhorrent use of incorrect tense in this sentence)

Everybody’s sayin’ that the Scatman stutters
But doesn’t ever stutter when he sings.
But what you don’t know I’m gonna tell you right now
That the stutter and the scat is the same thing
.” – Scatman John ‘Scatman’

(Ski-Ba-Bop-Ba-Dop-Bop indeed. There’s that gaping contradiction again but we can let it go as he overcame the adversity of having a speech impediment and sadly died of lung cancer just before the millennium. Bloody smokey jazz clubs – wasn’t Roy Castle from Record Breakers enough for you bastards?!?) 

Mmm bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du
Plant a seed, plant a flower, plant a rose
You can plant any one of those
Keep planting to find out which one grows
It’s a secret no one knows
” – Hanson ‘Mmmbop’

(Despite being named after a long-running Chinese supermarket opposite the Broadmarsh Shopping Centre in Nottingham, this band sing about, like…the deep significance of time when you’re three virgin teen brothers from Oklahoma not getting any OR if you believe their interpretation ‘the transient and unpredictable nature of friendship’. Now fully grown and no longer dreaming “Aw man I wish I had a sister”)

Dee doh da-ye, dee doh da-ye
I don’t have no time for no monkeybusiness

Be dup baby rub me rub me

Bumpy dumpy bop bo! Etc.” – Freddie Mercury ‘Living on my own’

(One of my favourites but I still can’t overlook this, the bridge is even more incomprehensible – like Mohammed Ali writing a postcard from Yemen)

Saying I love you Is not the words I want to hear from you It’s not that I want you Not to say, but if you only knew How easy it would be to show me how you feel More than words is all you have to do to make it real” – Extreme ‘More than words’ (Pissing Crikey this is ultra-lame in addition to just not even making basic literal sense. Like the half regurgitated contents of an irregular tense phrasebook for semi-mute dullards)

PAUL: “Didn’t have to keep it
Wouldn’t put ya through it
You could have swept it from you life
But you wouldn’t do it, no, you wouldn’t do it

BOTH: And you’re havin’ my baby” – Paul Anka & Odia Coates ‘(You’re) Having My Baby’

(Ah the forgotten joy of abortion before things became unnecessarily fundamental)

I used to say “I” and “me”
Now it’s “us”, now it’s “we”
Ben, most people would turn you away
I don’t listen to a word they say
They don’t see you as I do
I wish they would try to
I’m sure they’d think again
If they had a friend like Ben
(a friend) Like Ben
(like Ben) Like Ben
” – Michael Jackson ‘Ben’

(It’s about his pet rat – he really could find love in everything. Just think, MJ would’ve loved The London Underground. “No Michael, you’re not supposed to take them all home in your glimmering neglected petsack to Neverland to be nursed by magic dancing gnomes”)

Some of dem are a slippin ah
Some of dem begrudge me ah
So Solid vampire
See me on the telly ha
Face gettin’ popular, ha wha?
Some are chat ya nah
No disrespect when I bus in my clique ya nah
Raise up the dead an’ ah
Worship the devil
Red is my best colour
So Solid we are players, instigators
Gimme a girl I’ll make her famous
I send her back to you she gettin’ papers
21 seconds to get papers
” – So Solid Crew ’21 Seconds’

(Just about any one of these verses could be a healthy challenger with Megaman & Romeo Dunn a close joint 2nd but this is Ghostface’s rap in case you’re wondering ‘To whom would one deliver this hard-earned literary prize cheque?‘)

I’m afraid of the dark
Especially when I’m in the park
When there’s no one else around
Oh I get the shivers
I don’t wanna see a ghost
It’s the sight that I fear most
I’d rather have a piece of toast
Watch the evening news
” – Des’ree ‘Life’

(‘Nuff said y’all. It’s in all the classic opinion polls. These kind of occasions you wouldn’t want to accept any co-writing credits even if you do sound as manufactured as a sugary poodle conveyor belt)

Lucky that my breasts are small and humble
So you don’t confuse them with mountains
Lucky I have strong legs like my mother
To run for cover when I need it
” – Shakira ‘Wherever Whenever’

(This certainly puts the wowsers back in Everest’s trousers! I can read the advertisement now ‘Strong legs? humble breasts? Can you quickly run for cover? Then why not become a mountaineer today!‘ Now I’m not saying that a young Columbian Shakira had failed to quite master the English language upon being handed those lyrics…but her lips don’t hide)

I’d like to walk you through a field of wildflowers/And I’d like to check you for ticks.” – Brad Paisley ‘Ticks’

(Which woman could resist offering herself up immediately after being woo-ed by this one? I mean really, Country music alone deserves a whole separate contest in a whole separate category).

Any fool can make a rhyme country singers do it all the time” – Frank Zappa (fine last words from the quote master)

PART 2

My amigo Al then suggested the following additions:

I would like to contribute to the debate by putting forward a rather outrageous claim:

The best lyrics are written by a bunch of absolute drunken bar steward hecklers, take the following examples:

I’ve been a wild rover for many’s the year and I’ve spent all me money on whiskey and beer
and now I’m returning with gold in great store and I never will play the wild rover no more
(Traditional Irish folk song)

Darcy Darcy darlin dear you left me dying crying there in whiskey Gin and pints of beer I fell for you my darling dear (Dirty Glass, Dropkick Murphys)

Says my aul wan to your aul wan
Will ye come to the waxies dargle?
Says your aul wan to my aul wan,
Sure I havent got a farthing.
Ive just been down to monto town
To see uncle mcardle
But he didnt have half a crown
For to go to the waxies dargle.

What are ye having, will ye have a pint?
Yes, Ill have a pint with you, sir,
And if one of us doesnt order soon
Well be thrown out of the boozer (The Pogues’ Waxie’s Dargle)

Old Billy, the blacksmith, the first time in his life
Has gone home cold sober to his darling wife
He walks in the kitchen; she says: “You’re early, me dear”
Then he breaks down and he tells her that the pub’s got no beer!
(The Dubliner’s Pub with no Beer)

I walk in the bar and the fella’s all cheer,
They order me up a whiskey and beer.
You ask me why I’m writing this poem,
Some call it a tavern but I call it home.

Fuck you, I’m drunk
Fuck you, I’m drunk
Pour my beer down the sink I’ve got more in the trunk. (Fuck You I’m Drunk – Flogging Molly)

However sometimes you can drink too much and really start spouting gibberish, the classic Whiskey in the Jar (Trad. Arr.) illustrates this pretty well…

Musha ring dum a doo dum a da
Whack for my daddy-o
Whack for my daddy-o
There’s whiskey in the jar-o

Any further excerpts you deem worthy of an entry please do enlighten me.

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