E-petitions: E-by gum they’re all written by folk who can’t rightly type ses i

 

E-petitions: Do you HATE goldfish bowls more than anything else in britain today? Then sign up today – EAT THAT typical low-maintenance family homes!

 

Have you been onto e-petitions website? http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/search?page=1&q=ban&state=open

 

I advise you do and search under ‘ban’ because it’s really rather incredible what some people want banned. Some genuine petitions of what to ban include:

 

Dogs on ALL beaches – but how will they learn they’re on a giant island without running everywhere?

 

Scientology – how do you ban what’s inside daft celebrities heads?

 

Bonfires so presumably Lewes & the entire South-East coast – woooh be gone devilish pagan thoughts

 

Non Christian religions – for having far too much fun with fire: Repent!

 

Slayer albums – but of course! Completing this unholiest of trinities. Citing them as bad role models responsible for the recent riots! That’s just unfair: Slayer have been causing riots at gigs worldwide for 30 years. But why them and not one of a hundred less pioneering bands using extreme imagery? B-sides you won’t deter their fanbase. Take note – here is a typical Slayer fan:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXFuv7B-4lY&noredirect=1

 

Botox 4 babes – which I signed after establishing it wasn’t FOR actual babies

 

Halal meat – wave goodbye any hope of tasty nosh after kick out time

 

Goldfish bowls – not the building, please refer to title of this post

 

The sale of small rabbit hutches – “Rabbits need the space to be able to hop around and exercise to prevent illness and boredom” it says. I blame Slayer.

 

The wearing of hoodies – it’s just a piece of cloth stoopid

 

Hoodies in shopping areas “I don’t need a reality injection of income disparity from neglected youths when I’m frittering Domingo’s spare bullion in Harrogate”

 

Wind chimes in built up areas – which must sound far more severe than…

 

Low flying aircraft – surely not on top of wind chimes? Mother of God Nooooo! Their uninterrupted tinkling would surely tickle my brain to death. Aircraft would ironically help uncover hoodies through sudden air pressure. Doh! If only they reached a consensus.

 

Here is what said aircraft petition states:

 

For the government to ban aircrafts from flying low over towns and cities in the uk, as the aircrafts that fly low over towns and cities, desturbe people with the loud noises that they create, and this is way low flying by aircrafts should be banned.

 

He certainly presents a convincing argument does he not? Alas the creator James Ross appears to be the only one who’s signed possibly due to being the only one who can interpret precisely why he’s petitioning in the first place – loud noises…not emitting countless pollutants/impurities directly into the atmosphere or being taxed on account of grossly impractical negligence and possession of an unethical conscience but LOUD NOISES. Why not ban Public Enemy & The Hadron Collider as well then while you’re at it? NIMBYism (Not In My Back Yard) – it’s what prevents any form of progress more frequently than anything else in this country. When someone like Simon Cowell, let’s say mass-music business tycoon Simon Cowell wants to collect his dry cleaned jeans from roughly the same distance as an arch of badger’s piss down the road why shouldn’t he be able to?

 

Bruce Dickinson & Gary Numan, two prominent British musicians who are also qualified pilots should surely be allowed as they’ve paid their dues in being living (and flying) leg-ends who unlike Cowell are NOT contributing to the downfall of all music-related entertainment as savagely degrading lowest-common denominator glitzy melodramatic panto-spazzle. Numan is actually one of a very small handful of flyers with the credentials and qualifications to train aerobatic instructor pilots according to Wikipedia. Yet although he can loop the loop & enjoys an infinitely more daring form of transport he sings about CARS to maintain his gloomy industrial facade – always was an odd cookie that one. “Anyone need anything from the shops?”

 

 

The list of petitions goes on. There are at least 5 petitions against banker’s bonuses plus various variants thereof which whilst being a worthy cause surely dilutes their ultimately shared goal for the greater good. The one with the most signatures (at a whopping 36) reads:

 

 

“after the crisis banks caused by their reckless behavior,i propose to stop the bonus culture of banks.i would like the banks to work for a salary just as people do in the real world”

 

Now I’m sorry but ‘the real world’ has and will continue to become increasingly subjective with the ever-expanding online universe of personalised alienation. I myself would like Jason Wills; creator of ‘ban bankers bonuses’ e-petition to be able to have a basic grasp of grammar, spacing and punctuation just as people do in my real world.

 

Wowsers! It’s not often you get to stuff Slayer, goldfish bowls, Scientology (along with all other non christian or Earth-based religions), hoodies, CAMRA, Gary Numan & The Hadron Collider into a single post.

 

Despite their bizarre choices and zany inconsistencies I’m almost strangely warmed by how strongly some people feel about their chosen issue as if instant democracy just a click away can cure all societies’ foibles. It’s the same reason I’m not a member of CAMRA (CAMpaign for Real Ale) despite loving so-called ‘real’ ale (everything I drank before that was merely an illusion) as I don’t think an oversized pint glass should really be a priority in the modern world. Instead I DO urge you to become a member of independent global campaign movement AVAAZ for that same reason.

 

 

Over 100,000 signatures however and your issue must allegedly be discussed in the House of Commons. This is how the ugly recurrence of capital punishment keeps getting kicked back into debate by a very vocal significant minority. Any fleetingly humane individual with a moral compass should know that as an amnesty & UN-endorsed western civilisation we should be way beyond this kind of barbaric thinking. But that’s for another column folks, another column rather soon that just might be a scathing rant directed directly towards The Face of Fury that is Daily Mail-sponsored Witham Tory MP with just a tiny taste for vengeful bloodlust: Priti Patel. That’d follow on nicely…

Until next time – SHABBA


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