Songlists of Ladies Names – D


Daniella – John Butler Trio

Written for his newly-wed sweetheart, this is a groovy-stringed plea to always remain faithful & earnest.


Dirty Diana – Michael Jackson

This wailing beauty can be summarised in two words; Jennifer Batten! As heard with Prince’s Bambi last week this is another electrifying performance taken up a notch.


Dinah – Fats Waller

Not quite so dirty but bouncy bawdy swing from the 300-pound Harlem Ivory-tickler nevertheless.


Dolly Dagger – Jimi Hendrix

Interesting backstory to this one; reportedly about George Harrison’s wife who drank the blood of a cut Jimi acquired after breaking a glass bottle?


Oh Donna – 10cc

Their first single was allegedly a parody of ‘doo-wop’ songs and mimics The Beatles’ Oh Darling.


As ever, Prince has multiple options with Ballad of Dorothy Parker or Dinner with Delores as well as The Cocteau Twins’ Donimo


Songlist of ladies names III (The Letter C)

This is where it begins to get interesting as there is potentially a huge array of choices here.

Candy – Cameo

As utterly misinterpreted by Mariah (whom coincidentally has never been on fire), this knockout original has all those good things including a semi-constipated Larry Blackmon confessing every type of berry his ladylove shares the aroma of.

Hilarious video guest starring the return of the red codpiece (by now presumably a little musky) & everyone partying between Larry’s legs

That Petrol Emotion’s (featuring members of Magazine) Candy Loves Satelite & Car’s Candy-O completes the potential 3-piece suite/sweet – see what i did there?

Oh Carolina– Shaggy (Trad. Arr.)

Could only ever be the ‘rasclart boobaclart’ version (believe me you wouldn’t wanna know what it translates as in English). Still somehow lovable & infectious as Dutch Elm disease to those on the UK mainland

Could he be the world’s most successful Jamacian/Japanese crossover artist?

Cindy C – Prince

As in Crawford; from his notoriously-withdrawn Black Album that was eventually released 5 years after the initial pressing in 1993. Like there’s more than one “actress/model oooh from Paris, France” This is playfully funky & much looser than his usual party fare which makes you wonder why he felt it such a negative influence when less than half is minimalist rap. The recording of this album was rumoured to be the only occasion Prince indulged in chemical drugs by taking E according to Per Nilsen’s bio!

As for the music, he usually composes in far more difficult keys…

Corinna – Taj Mahal

Tender and bittersweet, could’ve chosen Clara (St Kitts Woman) about his dear old Grandma instead

Countess Bathory – Venom

Haha! This is completely OTT & gains entry purely for the folklore attached to this historic witch-like figure based on the spurious allegation that she bathed in her victim’s blood in an effort to stay forever youthful…and to achieve that Pantene shine. 

Other options were;

Does Caroline Know? – Talk Talk

Sweet Caroline – Neil Diamond

Don’t even think about it buddy

Carolyn’s Fingers/Cicely – Cocteau Twins

Cecilia – Paul Simon (& Garfunkel)

As utterly misinterpreted by Suggs of Madness (whom coincidentally has never got up to wash his face whilst being replaced in bed)

Cecelia Ann – Pixies

Charlottethe Harlot – Iron Maiden

Chloe – Ry Cooder

Cleopatra – Cleopatra

More a group manifesto of solidarity than the ancient Egyptian pharaoh but still…

Songlists of Ladies Names (The Return of Bee)

This week, 5 of the best from ‘B’ plus a free download of a lesser known Perfect Circle track from their storming debut ‘Mer de Noms

Bambi – Prince

Killer licks from second album where as he rides a winged horse billy-bollocks nekkid (both him & the creature) on the out of focus back cover, this shower of lesbian-sceptic hard rock lickage comes as slightly unexpected. His next album Dirty Mind would feature a young Lisa Coleman who went on to form a relationship with Wendy Melvoin in The Revolution so “Oi Prince – deal with it!”

Who woulda knew he’d turn out so strange?

This guy removes any live youtube output mighty fast but this one slipped through the net so enjoy it while it lasts. Solo heaven @2.22

Bee Sugarcubes

Like most of their back catalogue this is utterly mental in their prime before Bjork went solo. Possibly written for the bride in Kill Bill?

Bernadette – Four Tops

Holland-Dozier-Holland penned Motown soul classic from ’67 back by the Funk Brothers about possessive jealousy and burning desire over his ladyfriend.

Bertha Butt Boogie – Jimmy Castor Bunch

You’ve danced the boogie, now read the comic

For your information Bertha had three sisters – Betty Butt, Bella Butt & Bashiiiba Butt”

Black Betty – Ram Jam

Portfolio pics; just look at his range!

Riff-mania! Vid rocks too – just them going all guns blazing in full leather on some lucky bleeder’s front garden. Reeeally tough to choose between these two Bettys but in the end Black Betty just narrowly pipped Blue Oyster Cult’s Betty Lou’s gotta new pair of shoes.

Brenda – A Perfect Circle

Still glorious, richly textured alt rock with twisted, majestic vocals courtesy of Maynard James Keenan

What else to be bathed in Brenda?” Not that I’m encouraging illegal downloading but click the above and see where it leads yaMemphis Slim the blues pianist also has a fine song named Brenda but this just pipped it for me.

Other options would’ve included John Martyn’s Beverley; an instrumental quite probably named after his ex-wife. I’m loathed to even mention Ray Steven’s Bridget the Midget possibly not about Sly Stallone’s ex-wife Bridget Nielson.

Until next time…for Lady C’s

Songlists of Lovely Ladies Names

In the gutless womaniser Rod Stewart’s words “Wake up Maggie, I think I’ve gotta new blog thread for you”. After enjoying various charming ditties alluding to the fairer gender form I stumbled across an idea of a topic that I then discovered had already been played out across multiple nefarious blogsite forums. Nevertheless it carries timeless appeal and so 3 or 5 of every animal, sorry letter in the lovely lady alphabet will be chosen at weekly intervals. The same name may not be used twice which means wallowing through a mire of Barbaras, Bettys, Marys, Mary Janes (sweet or otherwise), Plain Janes, Mollys, Sallys and, disturbingly enough, Fannys? (Prior to its British adoption as a rude lady’s part). Thus I had to grapple between several fine numbers each dedicated to these namesakes over many laborious hours in my melon man.

Wherever possible I have only included songs I enjoy & would actually listen to in my non-list obsessive-alphabetised day-to-day life. A few names are repeated i.e. so good they named them twice such as Mary Mary or Maria Maria & certain letters would be impossible to have ANY inclusions unless I became a little forgiving with the looseness of the letters Q, U, X & Z.

I would also like to thank albums with named themes such as A Perfect Circle’s Mer de Noms & Cocteau Twin’s Treasure – both of which happen to be ethereal & magisterial masterpieces

Back cover to Cocteau’s ’84 immersible classic



Blues for Alice – Charlie Parker

Rapid bluesy bebop-style almost definitely NOT written for Alice Coltrane, John’s wife

Amelia – Cocteau Twins

They also have a song called Aloysius from the same album but this would be an extremely rare name that is more commonly fictitious such as  that of Lady Penelope’s chauffeur in Thunderbirds)

Angela – Toto

The last track from their stonking debut written by the most enduring member, the portly, tiny & shiny Steve Lukather

Angeline – Faithless

You’ve been out on the tiles, winning the smiles of men of low persuasion…

Angie – Rolling Stones

Written by Keith Richards about one or any number of the following; his daughter Dandelion Angela, Bowie’s first wife, Angie Dickinson or going cold turkey in Switzerland where there ain’t much heroin around but there IS endlessly massive piles of snow! Mostly covered horrendously badly other than by Womack & Womack or Tori Amos. Angela Merkel also used the song in her party’s election campaign in 2005!

Here is the cover of the German release;

The most worrying aspect of this song’s cover is that we can’t be entirely sure that isn’t Mick Jagger’s body

Other options would’ve been Allison by either Elvis Costello or The Pixies or Elton John’s Amy.

See all o yo squareheads next week for the ‘B’ installment!

Please tell Asda what you think about the store and the service you received today

 Well ASDA Stores Limited to quote your full title, leaving aside for a moment your retina damaging uniform & overall colour scheme which, together with the blinding white lights could easily convince a visually impaired old widow to mistakenly believe she’s reached heaven’s gates in a Soviet Aircraft hanger guarded by socially impaired wobbly-looking limes (particularly when stood shopping next to the limes). You farmer-murdering, price-fixing, petrol-contaminating, wedding dress-devaluing illuminous Nazis!

“Now you will forever be living in the pocket of Satan my Master”

Looking for differences and individual idiosyncrasies at your 500+ stores is rather like attempting to visualise the range of facial expressions portrayed by Jean Claude Van Damme‘s denim-clad characters. If only Benny & Bjorn from Abba had been called Stefan & Dieter then they would’ve got there first making Asda Eurovision winners & visiting Abba in a Volvo a chore that joined Ikea on miserable Swedish-themed Sundays.

Your ubiquitous stores appear closer to retail states enforcing their own municipal independence fronted by authoritarian military watchmen in the form of petrol booth personnel & trolley soldiers. The latter whilst under heavy bombardment from repeated strategic attacks leaving their wonky-wheeled ammo crate containers scattered willy nilly about the endless concrete eyeline of no man’s land. In swallowing up whole postcodes rather like an eternal lifesize acquisitional board game of RISK before Tesco nuke Prussia, Assocaited Dairies (the one you know as ASDA) will not surrender the land of it’s Leeds Head Office in the battle to gain Britain’s largest hyper-mega-supermarket franchise (they’ve already won the Worldwide War aka W.W. Why Pay More?).

Having said all that, your range of humus dips ain’t bad.

If only instant carb-heavy grub really could form feminist policy eh?

Here is my ‘local’ (relative to other warzones) Asda’s origins;

The narrator drops two absolute pearls of 60s sexism almost side by side;

While men are buying what they want, the other sex can replenish their wardrobe knowing that there’s a husband within call to pay the bill

The George clothing range has always been the reserve of glamourous luxury after all…erm hang on. This is swiftly followed by;

There seems to be no reason why a woman wouldn’t spend a whole morning here, before going to the pictures in the afternoon”

Ah yes, she deserves to relax after a punishing schedule changing her hair-dryer settings before slaving over the nail file. The freedom for WAGS today was indeed a fight harder fought than the queue outside the boutique on Saturday mid-mornings.

Next post i promise to write about something i actually enjoy…

HOLLYOAKS – HOW long has this been goin’ on???

New research suggests despite the escalating costs Phil Redmond may have perfected a formula first aired in 1986 that keeps students stupider for longer!

Whilst waiting patiently for the credits of a certain long-running soap to roll before strapping on some solid daily newsfeltch last night I heard the voiceover “If you or your family are affected by issues similar to those in Hollyoaks then please call…”

Presumably they mean those OTHER than excessive make-up and GCSE-light apathetic prose in a post-Logan’s Run cattle market biosphere of Perspex bars & gyms. I think if I became trapped in a vaguely localised suburb of Chester that feels too anonymous to even be fictitious where the only careers seem to consist of seedy magician with porno tashe (see pic below), hairdresser assistant’s assistant and gym instructor for mentally damaged drama students named after brand model cars and with only locals who can’t decide who to sleep with in what order for company then I’d quickly become every composite character in one as a alcoholic murdering pimp entering a loveless marriage myself. These appeared to be the ‘serious issues’ around which the majority of narrative strands revolve.

“Would you trust this man to guard your sewer? Which, ironically is where your TV programmes also come from”

Don’t get me wrong, its not that those life choices aren’t serious. It’s just that they’re delivered with such an absolute lack of weighty forethought and conviction as to seem almost like a satirical soap with less sharpened sub-par dialogue waiting to walk in on itself in bed with a superior script – “Oh Emmerdale, how could you!?”.

Hollyoaks is systematically designed to make Channel 4 News (which follows immediately after) feel like the freeverse of Plato even when Jon Snow fumbles his lines or some kind of cascading fountain of knowledge droplets in a picturesque market village square (presumably not Chester) that was only minutes earlier under the bombardment of scattershot manure from a backfiring silo-spreader.

No amount of horrendous acting following some equally appalling GCSE results will allow you to go here

According to the Independent’s John Walsh (09/02/2008);

The new soap’s young cast (late teens, early twentysomethings) do little actual studying, but hurl themselves with abandon into a maelstrom of emotional entanglements. When it comes to addressing taboo subjects and social “issues”, Hollyoaks outstrips even its grim predecessors in the Redmond CV. Young persons home from school, watching TV at 6.30 in the interval between The Simpsons and homework, can absorb storylines about drug abuse, cot death, child abuse, anorexia, gambling addiction, CO2 poisoning, surrogacy, self-harming, racism, homophobia and – most notoriously – male rape. The programme often closes by giving viewers a telephone helpline number to call if they’ve been affected”.

Crumbs! Sounds like I got off lightly.

Quote me thigh-slappy! Herman’s favourite quotes on music, books, religion, fame & by Charles Bukowski

I’ve always appreciated & tried to memorise a decent quote as it can help justify your standpoint or beliefs on particular topics of conversation. Whilst the majority of those assembled below do reflect my wider outlook on life, some are witty or throwaway for their own sake. I have intentionally tried to avoid all the best known quotes of any better known or should we say notorious individuals. Enjoy and feel free to steal at will, i did after all.

“Fetch Grandpa another beer son & i’ll spout ya some more wise-ass half-cut BS”

Timeless Quotes About Music

I was a veteran before I was a teenagerMichael Jackson

Most rock journalism is people who can’t write, interviewing people who can’t talk for people who can’t readFrank Zappa

If you don’t know the blues, there’s no point in picking up the guitar and playing rock and roll or any other form of popular musicKeith Richards

The Human Riff’s baby of the blues turned 50 last week

Music can unite people in a way religion can’t — people from different religions aren’t buried togetherNile Rodgers (Chic, Producer)

Music is the universal language of mankind ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (Outre-Mer)

All music is folk music.  I ain’t never heard a horse sing a songLouis Armstrong

Music is the wine which inspires one to new generative processes, and I am Bacchus who presses out this glorious wine for mankind and makes them spiritually drunkenLudwig van Beethoven

I opened the door & everybody ran through it. I was left holding the door knobBo Diddley

You have flown with me through my music; we have become one and are no longer alone. Men are not brothers until they have laughed and cried together. Thank youJimmy Castor, 1973

Would 3 Jimmys have made stimulating conversation?

When you love food, and when you’ve done a high energy concert, you know, a carrot is not gonna workAretha Franklin

We don’t tend to do normal gigs. There’s a supporting cast of circus cabaret and burlesque freaks. You don’t wanna watch someone shoegazingPaul Ronney-Angel (Urban Voodoo Machine)

We have come in the name of Jimi, Sly, Marvin, Stevie, all artists formerly known as spirits and all spirits formerly known as stars. Thus, we have come. As we prepare to journey, we must decide which elements of our sonic past we are going to pack to carry with us into this new day. The distilled ambiance of an Al Green song, the ambiguous sexual majesty of a Prince song, the creative genius of Stevie Wonder. Most of my peers seem to idolize Donald Trump more than Sly Stone, when they don’t seem to realise that Jimi Hendrix was & is a sonic Bill Gates. We seem to be more preoccupied with cultivating our bank accounts than cultivating our craftsD’Angelo (not Beverly), 1999

Despite the deathly sepulchres of academia, despite the merciless bindweed of critical theory, despite iTunes, despite the labels and the lawyers, despite the boredom and decadence of a dying culture, despite Clash magazine… despite all of this and more, young musicians still fearlessly stride through this valley of carnage and excrement for no reward and no thanks with only madness, despair and death as payment. And this is the genius of music. There’s literally nothing you or I can do to stop it. It thrives in the most hostile of conditionsJohn Doran (The Quietus, Metal Hammer, Vice)

I want to say a little something that’s long overdue
The disrespect to women has got to be through
To all the mothers and sisters and the wives and friends
I want to offer my love and respect to the end – MCA aka Adam Yauch (RIP), Beastie Boys

“This hold music even tests a buddhist’s patience”

5 Quotes about books

 Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside a dog it’s too dark to read. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book – Groucho Marx

The genius that is the ever-idiosyncratically minded Groucho Marx

There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading themRay Bradbury 1920 – 2012

I felt that blank incapability of invention which is the greatest misery of authorship, when dull Nothing replies to our anxious invocations. Have you thought of a story? I was asked each morning, and each morning I was forced to reply with a mortifying negative” – Mary Shelley (Author’s Introduction to Frankenstein)

“A motion picture, music or television has to maintain certain decorum in order to be broadcast to a vast audience. Other forms of mass media cost too much to produce to risk reaching only a limited audience – only one person. But a book is cheap to print & bind. A book is as private & consensual as sex. A book takes time & effort to consume – something that gives the reader every chance to walk away. Actually, so few people make the effort to read that it’s difficult to call a book a ‘mass medium’. No-one really gives a damn about books. No-one has bothered to ban a book in decades. But with that disregard comes the freedom that only books have. This is the advantage that books still have. This is why I write.” Chuck Palahniuk (Haunted Afterword)

As long as the film-of-the-book stay unmade the novel still belongs to the writer – when it’s made into a film or a TV production than suddenly in one night, or over a month or so, more people see it on screen than have ever read the book, and the visual version contains the overriding images that people think of, even if they’ve read the book as well. That’s a surrender of control or authority that it’s hard to take when you’re used to being God within the boundary of your book, its characters and settingIain (M) Banks (in interview with Socialist Review)

In the words of Dr. Elsa, the Austrian Nazi from Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade, in person Iain Banks is ‘giddy as a schoolboy’ and hugely entertaining

The 5 best quotes about Fame & Hollywood

If more of us valued food and cheer above hoarded gold, it would be a much merrier worldJ. R. R. Tolkien

Hollywood is a place where they’ll pay you 1,000 dollars for a kiss & 50 cents for your soulMarilyn Monroe

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of breadBill Cosby

Elvis was a hero to most but he never meant shit to me. Most of my heroes ain’t appeared on no stampChuck D.

The worship of money is the lowest of all human emotions, but it is shared not only by the bourgeoisie but also by the great majority of us…Little people, humble people, even those who are practically penniless. And I, with all my indignation, all my passion for destruction, I, too, am not free of it. I who am oppressed by wealth, who realise it to be the source of all misery, all my vices and hatred, all the bitterest humiliations that I have to suffer, all my impossible dreams and all the endless torment of my existence, still, all the time, as soon as I find myself in the presence of a rich person, I cannot help looking up to him, as some exceptional and splendid being, a kind of marvellous divinity, and in spite of myself, stronger than either my will of my reason, I feel rising from the very depths of my being, a sort of incense of admiration for this wealthy creature, who is all too often as stupid as he is pitiless. Isn’t it crazy? And why… why?Octave Mirbeau (less a quote more a mini-essay but then he was a French avant-garde writer so whatcha expect?)

Apples really are the most inhumane sugardaddies

Fame is really terrible. It’s a measure on a scale of the common denominator, minds working on a low level. It’s worthless. A select audience is much better. When people become famous they become pricks. They become inhuman and they lose their humanity and often they lose their talent along with it: their original drive, their originality. They lose everything but their money and their fameCharles Bukowski

Quotes on religion

I’m weary of hearing that accidental old aphorism of mine, ‘I’m an atheist, thank God.’ It’s outworn. Dead leaves. In 1951, I made a small film called Mexican Bus Ride, about a village too poor to support a church and a priest. The place was serene, because no one suffered from guilt. Its guilt we must escape from, not GodLuis Bunuel

Bunuel’s corruption of another Torture Garden front cover

I like your Christ but I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are nothing like your ChristMahatma Gandhi

Faith is alright for those who have it – just don’t load it on me. I have more faith in my plumber than I do in the eternal being. Plumbers do a good job. They keep the shit flowingCharles Bukowski

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final examGeorge Carlin

A lot of people say to me, ‘Why did you kill Christ?’ I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you knowLenny Bruce (Jewish Comedian)

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their landJon Stewart

Have you ever noticed how people who believe in evolution look really unevolved? Furry hands & feet y’know? “I believe God created me in one day” Yeah, it looks like he rushed itBill Hicks

The great thing about being the only species that makes a distinction between right and wrong is that we can make up the rules for ourselves as we go alongAnon

I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!Ned Flanders

The classic do-godder next door


5 Sci-fi Authors approach to Belief Systems

Fanatical ethnic or religious or national chauvinisms are a little difficult to maintain when we see our planet as a fragile blue crescent fading to become an inconspicuous point of light against the bastion and citadel of the stars.

You can’t convince a believer of anything; for their belief is not based on evidence, it’s based on a deep seated need to believeCarl Sagan

I don’t have the evidence to prove that God doesn’t exist, but I so strongly suspect he doesn’t that I don’t want to waste my timeIsaac Asimov

One of the great tragedies of mankind is that morality has been hijacked by religion. So now people assume that religion and morality have a necessary connection. But the basis of morality is really very simple and doesn’t require religion at allArthur C. Clarke

There is probably buried in the Western psyche a deep taboo about eating anything you’ve been introduced to socially.

I have the instinctive reaction of Western men when confronted with the sublimely incomprehensible: I grab my camera and start to photograph itDouglas Adams

The distinction between sanity and insanity is narrower than a razor’s edge, sharper than a hound’s tooth, more agile than a mule deer. It is more elusive than the merest phantom. Perhaps it does not even exist; perhaps it is a phantomPhilip K. Dick

He collected more spores of paranoia than the latest model Dyson

5 Best Charles Bukowski Quotes

Alcohol is probably one of the greatest things to arrive upon the earth – alongside of me. It is ultimately destructive to most people. I’m just one apart from that. I do all my creative work while I’m intoxicated.

One of the things that’s most attracted me to poets & writers was their lifestyle


This is very important – to take leisure time. Pace is the essence. Without stopping entirely & doing nothing at all for great periods, you’re gonna lose everything. There has to be great pauses between highs. You just lay on the bed & stare at the ceiling. And how many people do this in modern society? Very few. That’s why they’re all totally mad, frustrated, angry & hateful.

I never write in the daytime. It’s like running through a shopping mall with all your clothes off – everybody can see you. At night…that’s when you pull the tricks…magic

Writing keeps you alive because it eases the monsters in the brain by moving thme to paper. The listing of horrors seems regenerative, and often comes out in the writing as a form of joy or humour. The typewriter often sings soothing songs to the sadness in the heart. It’s wonderous.

You cannot attack shrines. The longer something is around, snobs begin to attach themselves to it like suckerfish. The moment you tell them the truth, they go wild. They can’t handle it. It’s attacking their own thought process.

NEXT TIME: Quote Topics Part Two will include Nature & Environment, Comments that best sum up Youtube Users, Philosophers & Drink!